There go my chances of sleeping any further;

24 12 2013

It’s 2:53 am here.

And I can’t find sleep.

It’s funny because most of the time it’s because of restless thoughts, but tonight I don’t really have any. I just can’t find sleep.

And it’s far too late and I’m far too lazy to try and workout right now.

I know I have thoughts in my head, but they’re so beyond my reach my brain may as well be empty. I can’t turn them into writing at this point..Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep, my mind is trying to find it’s way back into writing.
Maybe it’s trying to give me an idea but I can’t listen at the moment because I’m concentrating on trying to pass out.

“That doesn’t even make sense you scum bag”

Hey, I’m trying here. It’s beautiful you know, writing. It’s an absolute beauty…it goes beyond expressing yourself.
It’s deterring losing your way in this world of letters, makes you kind of give up in a way. Even if no one reads your writings..Anyway. I’m over this romantic writing deal..HEY! maybe that’s it.
I’ve got new words to spit! and I’ll find a way to do write them…but I’ll find this energy in the morning.  These eyelids are getting heavy…Maybe that was the thought I needed to give me sleep?

“You need rest, I’m glad this romanticism is over though. Night Kid”





You wanted love, didn’t you?

20 10 2012

It’s been a while, and it’s getting to me. This whole not writing deal, but college has me booked 24/7 not even giving me a day to sleep. I’ve managed to find time though! I think I’ll be able to return to a once a week deal..Hopefully; Anyways life is pretty swell, aside from the fact that a 16 year old boy is in love with me..Haha, oh boy. I don’t even know how to properly handle this situation.

“ABUSE HIM!”

What the hell is your problem? No!

“Just throwing out your options bro”

Well No. That’s not even an option; I’ll find a way to lead him away..gently; Because quite frankly; I’m not a harsh person, nor am I looking to hurt this boys feelings.

That’s a pretty bad “personality” trait to have, being “too” nice that is. I’m one of those who suffer from this condition…Now it’s important to be clear, because I’m no pansy; I work on cars, play video games, love fight club and love yard work. Yet I can’t tell someone “No”, be harsh, or stern. I’ve always been known as the “sweetheart”.

I’m not the only one who falls under this category either, there’s a number of us. You know what? I’m going to take that bold shot and say we all go through it, at one point in our life; the point where we’re way too nice. Is it bad I’m still stuck in that point?

Allow me to tie all of this together because there is a point to all of this. I know this boy isn’t really in love with me, he just thinks he is because of whatever is running through his mind told him so. It’s just a moment, and it’ll blow over eventually..(I hope) Well this entire situation got me thinking of me and everyone.

When, at what age, or how long did it take to realize that you were really in love? That it wasn’t this kind of “love”, the kind that he feels for me? When did I know I really was in love? It got me thinking, when did I get to the point where I knew that I was really in love and not just like this boy thinking I was?  When will this boy realize that he didn’t love me and when will he truly realize what love is? When did you realize you were actually in love?

So many thoughts I couldn’t answer at once swept me; I remember when I was younger and claimed I was in love and others would tell me that I wasn’t, I was to young. I know it’s true now that I’m older but how did they know? Is it because they knew what love truly was and they didn’t see it there? Or where they just saying what adults always say to little kids..?

I guess it’s just something you learn to see, maybe you don’t have to experience love first to know that someone’s not in love.

 

Agh, the lack of writing these past few months has taken a toll on my mind but I’ll find my rhythm again; until then I’ve got no clever closing..

 

“Haha, Have a good day kid. ”

 





What else can I say to you?

9 09 2012

Well; I feel like it’s been centuries; Even though it’s only been a blink of an eye. Remember those moments? When you feel like they were years ago, but really it was just last week.

I’m stepping on a brighter road; Things are smoother but I still don’t have that Disney love story to tell; but I can say, we’re both better off, in some torn off way.

Bad news though

“BRO. Seriously!? Your last few posts have been negative as FUCK. Get over yourself -__- This isn’t group theory from fight club.”

Haha; You might enjoy this, maybe even get a little chuckle.

“You’ve got thirty seconds”

Remember back in high school, how I needed to concentrate and write that paper so I could graduate? And I couldn’t so I just blogged instead about it? That’s my bad news; I can’t write this paper for my college English class. So I’m blogging. (:

“-_-“

(;

 





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21 08 2012

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Look at your eyes, they’re small in size but they see enormous things.

17 08 2012

Six hours spent with my bicycle, re-exploring parts of this town I hadn’t seen in years.

Nobody recognized me here, and I think that’s probably what I enjoyed most about today. I’ve been fighting myself lately, telling myself what a mess I’ve been making, and pounding my brain with such narrow thoughts. Which is why I haven’t been writing much lately.

Today, I found things; things that help make my life make sense again. Real things, saturated by more than the presence of light. I hope the findings I share in the following days, are considered, and appreciated more than just by myself.

Honestly I’ve posted a dozen things, whining about things that happened too long ago to matter, things that probably don’t matter; and I’m coming to find that the things I do and the person I am, is pretty revolting.

I don’t even know how to conclude this. But uhm; I swear it’ll get better.





I can’t promise you I won’t let you down;

10 08 2012

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

 

I’m going to run away.

 

Okay. Just kidding, but seriously it’d be nice, just driving off to some other city. Getting out of the car and just sitting on a bench, watching the people pass by from another city, from a different place, all with a different vibe. They’re rushing past you with a completely different purpose. And watching them would completely refresh you and get your mind off something. Watching the way the city lives and breathes for a day, and then sleeping with it pretending you belong there.

 

I’ve got a little lunch coming up, in about two hours; and I’m dreading it a little. Two months ago I had one of these little “lunches” and it was the most awkward thing ever. He was all talkative in text, but in person it was so uncomfortable trying to find something to talk about, not to mention trying to find a way to say goodbye. I don’t think this lunch will be quiet but I’m about 104% sure that this guy has a crush on me. Which makes me not want to be there at all, but I’m attending to be nice and hoping that in the slight .948% that I’m wrong about this crush deal.

Warning signs; We all like to ignore them. and I couldn’t even begin to try and explain why;

You’ll look for an excuse first, we all do. “No, he’s just upset about last week still..that’s why he’s distant”; “I know I love her still..It’s just a bump in our relationship..right?..I know it”;

Not even just in relationships, you’ll pretend you’re really not going in debt, or that you’re friends aren’t ripping you off.

You know, I think we’re all secretly super curious as to what would happen if we ignore those signs. That’s why we do it, not because we’re in denial, but because we’re curious. Or because we want to fight against those signs. We think hey, they’re just a SIGN and i’m a living breathing, bleeding, muscly human, I can break it.

There’s no way the simple answer is “Because you’re in denial” because if it was that simple, you would’ve learned your lesson; but sooner or later we’ll go slipping on that black ice again.

To me, it sucks more to avoid it. It’s a dying crazy feeling trying to figure out what’s true and what’s not. Deciding whether or not he’s not home because he’s late at work or because he’s at the bar trying to forget he has to come home. That feeling alone, would burn, and to avoid asking every night and prolong that would drive me insane. Your head will always be in a triangle and unbalanced.

 

Maybe it would be nice to run off to another city for a while; Just out of the blue take that drive..And you’ll find yourself on a concrete step, with your head in your hands; and dust from the dark winds on your jacket. And it’ll hit you “I’m wasting my time on a two mile stretch on interstate ninety,”

 

And you’ll drive home, keeping your head above water.





Some things are worse than being alone;

9 08 2012

“It’s too hot here, not my kind of town.
but i can smell you, even though you are miles away.
i put my hand on my stomach, and pretend it’s yours.
leave on the lights. hand on my back;
mouth on my mouth. i need to feel you near me.
it’s too hot here.”

 

 

 

 

 

btw; i’m back.