You wanted love, didn’t you?

20 10 2012

It’s been a while, and it’s getting to me. This whole not writing deal, but college has me booked 24/7 not even giving me a day to sleep. I’ve managed to find time though! I think I’ll be able to return to a once a week deal..Hopefully; Anyways life is pretty swell, aside from the fact that a 16 year old boy is in love with me..Haha, oh boy. I don’t even know how to properly handle this situation.

“ABUSE HIM!”

What the hell is your problem? No!

“Just throwing out your options bro”

Well No. That’s not even an option; I’ll find a way to lead him away..gently; Because quite frankly; I’m not a harsh person, nor am I looking to hurt this boys feelings.

That’s a pretty bad “personality” trait to have, being “too” nice that is. I’m one of those who suffer from this condition…Now it’s important to be clear, because I’m no pansy; I work on cars, play video games, love fight club and love yard work. Yet I can’t tell someone “No”, be harsh, or stern. I’ve always been known as the “sweetheart”.

I’m not the only one who falls under this category either, there’s a number of us. You know what? I’m going to take that bold shot and say we all go through it, at one point in our life; the point where we’re way too nice. Is it bad I’m still stuck in that point?

Allow me to tie all of this together because there is a point to all of this. I know this boy isn’t really in love with me, he just thinks he is because of whatever is running through his mind told him so. It’s just a moment, and it’ll blow over eventually..(I hope) Well this entire situation got me thinking of me and everyone.

When, at what age, or how long did it take to realize that you were really in love? That it wasn’t this kind of “love”, the kind that he feels for me? When did I know I really was in love? It got me thinking, when did I get to the point where I knew that I was really in love and not just like this boy thinking I was?  When will this boy realize that he didn’t love me and when will he truly realize what love is? When did you realize you were actually in love?

So many thoughts I couldn’t answer at once swept me; I remember when I was younger and claimed I was in love and others would tell me that I wasn’t, I was to young. I know it’s true now that I’m older but how did they know? Is it because they knew what love truly was and they didn’t see it there? Or where they just saying what adults always say to little kids..?

I guess it’s just something you learn to see, maybe you don’t have to experience love first to know that someone’s not in love.

 

Agh, the lack of writing these past few months has taken a toll on my mind but I’ll find my rhythm again; until then I’ve got no clever closing..

 

“Haha, Have a good day kid. ”

 

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21 08 2012

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Look at your eyes, they’re small in size but they see enormous things.

17 08 2012

Six hours spent with my bicycle, re-exploring parts of this town I hadn’t seen in years.

Nobody recognized me here, and I think that’s probably what I enjoyed most about today. I’ve been fighting myself lately, telling myself what a mess I’ve been making, and pounding my brain with such narrow thoughts. Which is why I haven’t been writing much lately.

Today, I found things; things that help make my life make sense again. Real things, saturated by more than the presence of light. I hope the findings I share in the following days, are considered, and appreciated more than just by myself.

Honestly I’ve posted a dozen things, whining about things that happened too long ago to matter, things that probably don’t matter; and I’m coming to find that the things I do and the person I am, is pretty revolting.

I don’t even know how to conclude this. But uhm; I swear it’ll get better.





I can’t promise you I won’t let you down;

10 08 2012

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

 

I’m going to run away.

 

Okay. Just kidding, but seriously it’d be nice, just driving off to some other city. Getting out of the car and just sitting on a bench, watching the people pass by from another city, from a different place, all with a different vibe. They’re rushing past you with a completely different purpose. And watching them would completely refresh you and get your mind off something. Watching the way the city lives and breathes for a day, and then sleeping with it pretending you belong there.

 

I’ve got a little lunch coming up, in about two hours; and I’m dreading it a little. Two months ago I had one of these little “lunches” and it was the most awkward thing ever. He was all talkative in text, but in person it was so uncomfortable trying to find something to talk about, not to mention trying to find a way to say goodbye. I don’t think this lunch will be quiet but I’m about 104% sure that this guy has a crush on me. Which makes me not want to be there at all, but I’m attending to be nice and hoping that in the slight .948% that I’m wrong about this crush deal.

Warning signs; We all like to ignore them. and I couldn’t even begin to try and explain why;

You’ll look for an excuse first, we all do. “No, he’s just upset about last week still..that’s why he’s distant”; “I know I love her still..It’s just a bump in our relationship..right?..I know it”;

Not even just in relationships, you’ll pretend you’re really not going in debt, or that you’re friends aren’t ripping you off.

You know, I think we’re all secretly super curious as to what would happen if we ignore those signs. That’s why we do it, not because we’re in denial, but because we’re curious. Or because we want to fight against those signs. We think hey, they’re just a SIGN and i’m a living breathing, bleeding, muscly human, I can break it.

There’s no way the simple answer is “Because you’re in denial” because if it was that simple, you would’ve learned your lesson; but sooner or later we’ll go slipping on that black ice again.

To me, it sucks more to avoid it. It’s a dying crazy feeling trying to figure out what’s true and what’s not. Deciding whether or not he’s not home because he’s late at work or because he’s at the bar trying to forget he has to come home. That feeling alone, would burn, and to avoid asking every night and prolong that would drive me insane. Your head will always be in a triangle and unbalanced.

 

Maybe it would be nice to run off to another city for a while; Just out of the blue take that drive..And you’ll find yourself on a concrete step, with your head in your hands; and dust from the dark winds on your jacket. And it’ll hit you “I’m wasting my time on a two mile stretch on interstate ninety,”

 

And you’ll drive home, keeping your head above water.





Some things are worse than being alone;

9 08 2012

“It’s too hot here, not my kind of town.
but i can smell you, even though you are miles away.
i put my hand on my stomach, and pretend it’s yours.
leave on the lights. hand on my back;
mouth on my mouth. i need to feel you near me.
it’s too hot here.”

 

 

 

 

 

btw; i’m back.





I wake to sleep, I sleep to wake.

25 06 2012

It has to be terrible, when on your day off, you can’t think of anything to do..and you’re so bored that you want to actually BE AT work. I’m starting to turn into those workaholics…Not good.

But I almost feel like, that’s kind of what happens when you get back from a vacation. When you step back into your real life and realize it’s not just beaches and fun.

I’ve got one month left of summer. I have to fill it with exciting things..I’m going to start making a list! And that’ll help get me back in shape! Speaking about shape, I’ve picked up bike riding! Oh it’s exciting..lol. Anyways onto the real reason I’m blogging today.

Workaholics. I see them all the time, and it worries me. Aren’t they scared? That they’ll never have enough time for the people they love? Or just something simple like taking a walk or eating at home instead of on the street.

Daniel, this past burnt out romance, worked everyday for at least 12 hours, and he would come home and sleep, he was on call and would work weekends. I’m surprised he had time for me, most of the time we spent was watching a movie that he would fall asleep to. It didn’t bother me much, I understood that he was tired.

People shouldn’t be allowed to work that much, I couldn’t stand this past week, I can’t imagine years of it..I know they have emotions, but that work system seems to drown them out.

There’s always that desperate wife that never gets enough husband time and they end up divorcing, or that workaholic mom that never sees her kids, or that work and study son that will never go on a date because he has no time.

See; what I picture should happen is this..That desperate wife makes him dinner, washes his clothes and waits for him; while he stops by before coming home and buys her flowers. She’s surprised and a tad bit better. Or he’ll buy dinner for the night, he’ll come home for lunch instead of eating out.
And that workaholic mom, she’ll take her kids out to a late night Friday movie; She’ll surprise them at school when it’s their lunchtime; She’ll write them little letters for the day when she knows she won’t be able to see them all day; She’ll still come home and kiss them goodnight even if they’re already asleep;

That study hard boy and 24/7 worker will eventually notice that the library he’s constantly at has a gleaming gorgeous worker. He’ll realize she’s always stared at him, and he’ll eventually ask her for help when he doesn’t even need it. He’ll start dressing up to go to the library and soon enough, it’ll be study dates.

As much work as you put into employment you should put into your actual life. I guess it’s okay to work 12 hours a day, as long as you don’t make that the only part of your day.





I’m losing what I never found;

21 06 2012

So it’s over.

“what, your blog?”

No, that little romance I had..

“Oh. I swear I wished you the best;..I’m sorry”

Nah, it’s okay. I mean It was only a month or so.

“Go ahead, tell me the story”

I think this is the first time we’re actually getting along! Haha, well..Everything was great; Same weird personality, and we got along fine..Only problem was. He didn’t want to date out of his religion and he wanted to end it before he hurt me even more.

It was enraging, you would think there would be a way to coexisit right? I couldn’t believe it. A perfect man; hard working, didn’t drink, smoke or do drugs, wanted a family, was hilarious and didn’t think I was weird. But it couldn’t happen..because of a title.

I wonder how many people septate over these titles; don’t get me wrong, I am religious..but religion is man made; its not perfect.

I soon realized, that maybe it was okay we separated. I was raised to fix something when it was broken, not give up on it. I want someone that’ll do the same..

Anyways; I’m back, same hopeless romantic as always (;

“Welcome back…hoe!..lol sorry, had to say something rude”
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