Look at your eyes, they’re small in size but they see enormous things.

17 08 2012

Six hours spent with my bicycle, re-exploring parts of this town I hadn’t seen in years.

Nobody recognized me here, and I think that’s probably what I enjoyed most about today. I’ve been fighting myself lately, telling myself what a mess I’ve been making, and pounding my brain with such narrow thoughts. Which is why I haven’t been writing much lately.

Today, I found things; things that help make my life make sense again. Real things, saturated by more than the presence of light. I hope the findings I share in the following days, are considered, and appreciated more than just by myself.

Honestly I’ve posted a dozen things, whining about things that happened too long ago to matter, things that probably don’t matter; and I’m coming to find that the things I do and the person I am, is pretty revolting.

I don’t even know how to conclude this. But uhm; I swear it’ll get better.





I can’t promise you I won’t let you down;

10 08 2012

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

 

I’m going to run away.

 

Okay. Just kidding, but seriously it’d be nice, just driving off to some other city. Getting out of the car and just sitting on a bench, watching the people pass by from another city, from a different place, all with a different vibe. They’re rushing past you with a completely different purpose. And watching them would completely refresh you and get your mind off something. Watching the way the city lives and breathes for a day, and then sleeping with it pretending you belong there.

 

I’ve got a little lunch coming up, in about two hours; and I’m dreading it a little. Two months ago I had one of these little “lunches” and it was the most awkward thing ever. He was all talkative in text, but in person it was so uncomfortable trying to find something to talk about, not to mention trying to find a way to say goodbye. I don’t think this lunch will be quiet but I’m about 104% sure that this guy has a crush on me. Which makes me not want to be there at all, but I’m attending to be nice and hoping that in the slight .948% that I’m wrong about this crush deal.

Warning signs; We all like to ignore them. and I couldn’t even begin to try and explain why;

You’ll look for an excuse first, we all do. “No, he’s just upset about last week still..that’s why he’s distant”; “I know I love her still..It’s just a bump in our relationship..right?..I know it”;

Not even just in relationships, you’ll pretend you’re really not going in debt, or that you’re friends aren’t ripping you off.

You know, I think we’re all secretly super curious as to what would happen if we ignore those signs. That’s why we do it, not because we’re in denial, but because we’re curious. Or because we want to fight against those signs. We think hey, they’re just a SIGN and i’m a living breathing, bleeding, muscly human, I can break it.

There’s no way the simple answer is “Because you’re in denial” because if it was that simple, you would’ve learned your lesson; but sooner or later we’ll go slipping on that black ice again.

To me, it sucks more to avoid it. It’s a dying crazy feeling trying to figure out what’s true and what’s not. Deciding whether or not he’s not home because he’s late at work or because he’s at the bar trying to forget he has to come home. That feeling alone, would burn, and to avoid asking every night and prolong that would drive me insane. Your head will always be in a triangle and unbalanced.

 

Maybe it would be nice to run off to another city for a while; Just out of the blue take that drive..And you’ll find yourself on a concrete step, with your head in your hands; and dust from the dark winds on your jacket. And it’ll hit you “I’m wasting my time on a two mile stretch on interstate ninety,”

 

And you’ll drive home, keeping your head above water.





I wake to sleep, I sleep to wake.

25 06 2012

It has to be terrible, when on your day off, you can’t think of anything to do..and you’re so bored that you want to actually BE AT work. I’m starting to turn into those workaholics…Not good.

But I almost feel like, that’s kind of what happens when you get back from a vacation. When you step back into your real life and realize it’s not just beaches and fun.

I’ve got one month left of summer. I have to fill it with exciting things..I’m going to start making a list! And that’ll help get me back in shape! Speaking about shape, I’ve picked up bike riding! Oh it’s exciting..lol. Anyways onto the real reason I’m blogging today.

Workaholics. I see them all the time, and it worries me. Aren’t they scared? That they’ll never have enough time for the people they love? Or just something simple like taking a walk or eating at home instead of on the street.

Daniel, this past burnt out romance, worked everyday for at least 12 hours, and he would come home and sleep, he was on call and would work weekends. I’m surprised he had time for me, most of the time we spent was watching a movie that he would fall asleep to. It didn’t bother me much, I understood that he was tired.

People shouldn’t be allowed to work that much, I couldn’t stand this past week, I can’t imagine years of it..I know they have emotions, but that work system seems to drown them out.

There’s always that desperate wife that never gets enough husband time and they end up divorcing, or that workaholic mom that never sees her kids, or that work and study son that will never go on a date because he has no time.

See; what I picture should happen is this..That desperate wife makes him dinner, washes his clothes and waits for him; while he stops by before coming home and buys her flowers. She’s surprised and a tad bit better. Or he’ll buy dinner for the night, he’ll come home for lunch instead of eating out.
And that workaholic mom, she’ll take her kids out to a late night Friday movie; She’ll surprise them at school when it’s their lunchtime; She’ll write them little letters for the day when she knows she won’t be able to see them all day; She’ll still come home and kiss them goodnight even if they’re already asleep;

That study hard boy and 24/7 worker will eventually notice that the library he’s constantly at has a gleaming gorgeous worker. He’ll realize she’s always stared at him, and he’ll eventually ask her for help when he doesn’t even need it. He’ll start dressing up to go to the library and soon enough, it’ll be study dates.

As much work as you put into employment you should put into your actual life. I guess it’s okay to work 12 hours a day, as long as you don’t make that the only part of your day.





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12 06 2012

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It’s almost….here;

21 05 2012

4 DAYS LEFT.

Four.

Cuatro.

One, two, three, FOUR.

“Uhm, you’re repeating yourself”

I KNOW. That’s because there’s only 4 DAYS LEFT Of high school and then I’m done! For good. I can’t wait! Oh the excitement! You wouldn’t understand though, you’re just letters.

“Wow, ass”

;)

 

Anyways; The reasons as to why I’m so ecstatic are:

-No more drug addicts! (Which also includes, no more argument about legalizing marijuana, no more terrible smells, no one trying to sell me things, no more sheriffs wandering around, and no more people trying to tell me the world is square, OH! And no more people talking about sex in disgusting manors)

 

-No more DRAMA. (Which includes, no more pregnant teens trying to rally someone up because they talked to their “baby daddy”, no more trashy girls, no more duck faces, no more pointless arguing, not hearing the words, “She ratchet!, Oh hell naw, Uh she gross, BITCH!, etc”, and no more hair pulling.

-No more annoying couples! (Which means, no more minute breakups!, no more obnoxious arguing and having to pick a side, no more “I love you so muchhh!” after three days, no more making out in the hallways, no more “Oh my sweety and I are going to get married (:” Even though you’re cheating on him,)

“DAMN, didn’t you like anything? You rotten kid..”

Of course! I mean..I’ll miss my friends, and my senior class, and my teachers; I’ll miss the lounge, and our pranks and jokes. But I mean seriously, I’m sick of the constant 8 hour school day.

I know I’ll have to deal with some of the things I mentioned in real life, but at least I won’t be locked with them in a building for 8 consecutive hours.   -_-”

 

 





I tried to do it all for you, it didn’t do anything for me.

10 05 2012

Two days! Two days away from this research paper being due. It’s due Friday. 250 points. And what am I doing? Spending my time chatting with friends and sleeping, or eating. I can’t concentrate for the love of God on this paper, and I’ve got two days left.
More like one and a half. I need to finish it to graduate; which is two weeks away.

Not to mention I’m working 11 shifts in a row; I work at a restaurant.  We bought new knives and I’ve already cut myself 3 times, on the same hand! :/

I’m never going to finish this paper, I’ve missed so much school and i’m beyond saving when it comes to procrastination..

I wasn’t always like this though;  I was a top of the class student. A’s and passing classes, getting ahead..Then I got in a relationship. I missed school and didn’t have time for homework, I dedicated it all to him. I know I shouldn’t of, I should have found a balance..But this kid was a wreck. We got in the habit of missing school constantly; it was so easy. Just walk out and drive. Eventually I was at the bottom, retaking classes. Now he’s gone and I’m stuck here; Trying to atone for it all. But I’m still missing school, and slacking. It’s just so easy. Yeah; Call me lazy.

Anyways, I’m obviously ready for this to be over; Lets hope I wake up with the ambition to at least open up Microsoft Word!





A closed story; Freestyle.

30 04 2012

Put your vice on the table so we can talk about what this has to do with you alive; you left before I could get my hands and my arms around all the little things that made you up. So much for luck, you blew all of your cards on one dumb play and now I’m sweeping your remains. Forget what’s owed, it never mattered at all.

I kid because I love; I’m worried, I’m worried on you. We wrote the book on ruining your friends, we wrote the book on skipping to the end, like when I get home and “I’m so tired baby, just roll over please, I’m so tired baby, roll over please, I’m so tired baby, roll over please; wash rinse repeat, You say these things until they’re canon.

Just throw up your hands and die, give up and learn how to cry, wash it down with the taste of sour defeat; Press it against me until I start to suffocate from the smell (It’s all right, it’s okay, just come home, come home)

We wrote the book on playing out, we wrote the book on closing out,

we wrote the book…