Protected: White blank page;

21 08 2012

This content is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Advertisements




Look at your eyes, they’re small in size but they see enormous things.

17 08 2012

Six hours spent with my bicycle, re-exploring parts of this town I hadn’t seen in years.

Nobody recognized me here, and I think that’s probably what I enjoyed most about today. I’ve been fighting myself lately, telling myself what a mess I’ve been making, and pounding my brain with such narrow thoughts. Which is why I haven’t been writing much lately.

Today, I found things; things that help make my life make sense again. Real things, saturated by more than the presence of light. I hope the findings I share in the following days, are considered, and appreciated more than just by myself.

Honestly I’ve posted a dozen things, whining about things that happened too long ago to matter, things that probably don’t matter; and I’m coming to find that the things I do and the person I am, is pretty revolting.

I don’t even know how to conclude this. But uhm; I swear it’ll get better.





I can’t promise you I won’t let you down;

10 08 2012

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

 

I’m going to run away.

 

Okay. Just kidding, but seriously it’d be nice, just driving off to some other city. Getting out of the car and just sitting on a bench, watching the people pass by from another city, from a different place, all with a different vibe. They’re rushing past you with a completely different purpose. And watching them would completely refresh you and get your mind off something. Watching the way the city lives and breathes for a day, and then sleeping with it pretending you belong there.

 

I’ve got a little lunch coming up, in about two hours; and I’m dreading it a little. Two months ago I had one of these little “lunches” and it was the most awkward thing ever. He was all talkative in text, but in person it was so uncomfortable trying to find something to talk about, not to mention trying to find a way to say goodbye. I don’t think this lunch will be quiet but I’m about 104% sure that this guy has a crush on me. Which makes me not want to be there at all, but I’m attending to be nice and hoping that in the slight .948% that I’m wrong about this crush deal.

Warning signs; We all like to ignore them. and I couldn’t even begin to try and explain why;

You’ll look for an excuse first, we all do. “No, he’s just upset about last week still..that’s why he’s distant”; “I know I love her still..It’s just a bump in our relationship..right?..I know it”;

Not even just in relationships, you’ll pretend you’re really not going in debt, or that you’re friends aren’t ripping you off.

You know, I think we’re all secretly super curious as to what would happen if we ignore those signs. That’s why we do it, not because we’re in denial, but because we’re curious. Or because we want to fight against those signs. We think hey, they’re just a SIGN and i’m a living breathing, bleeding, muscly human, I can break it.

There’s no way the simple answer is “Because you’re in denial” because if it was that simple, you would’ve learned your lesson; but sooner or later we’ll go slipping on that black ice again.

To me, it sucks more to avoid it. It’s a dying crazy feeling trying to figure out what’s true and what’s not. Deciding whether or not he’s not home because he’s late at work or because he’s at the bar trying to forget he has to come home. That feeling alone, would burn, and to avoid asking every night and prolong that would drive me insane. Your head will always be in a triangle and unbalanced.

 

Maybe it would be nice to run off to another city for a while; Just out of the blue take that drive..And you’ll find yourself on a concrete step, with your head in your hands; and dust from the dark winds on your jacket. And it’ll hit you “I’m wasting my time on a two mile stretch on interstate ninety,”

 

And you’ll drive home, keeping your head above water.





Some things are worse than being alone;

9 08 2012

“It’s too hot here, not my kind of town.
but i can smell you, even though you are miles away.
i put my hand on my stomach, and pretend it’s yours.
leave on the lights. hand on my back;
mouth on my mouth. i need to feel you near me.
it’s too hot here.”

 

 

 

 

 

btw; i’m back.