made it there, nothing came over me.

17 02 2012

This is the most complex thing I’ve ever seated myself into; a recollection of events? I’ve got empty sockets; I admit I’m not the person I’d like to be, and I don’t feel what I’ve seen of myself in a mirror.

My pockets aren’t full, nor is my brain when I actually try to figure out what I’ll become of myself, or when I simply try to piece together the events in a day; I feel clouded. Incapable.

Living from paycheck to paycheck, thin on time, and testing the patience of everyone I’ve met, doesn’t seat well. I can sleep to blackened brains, in no one’s thoughts. Some reputation I’ve made I guess. Some thing I’ve done to get these brains all against me, or something, or maybe everyone has grown sick of my paranoia?

We were all raised to respect things, and we were all so quick to break the rules. Mirrored now, surely. And still I give them the impression I’m the image of a saint. I’m still a fucking asshole, things hardly earn my respect, aside from those I’d like to call my friends. I have met a deal of good people, but I’m pretty far gone; for now.

Not good enough anymore, for them or me. There’s a really cool side to this all, the person I want to be, but find myself punching the snooze button on.. the girl that stuck to a real mind, a beating heart, and had that slick little mind, with the hip clothing and a smile constantly in the window. The girl that can afford to buy jeans, and enjoy a night off. Well, through this entire maelstrom of negativity; I’ve got hope, I’ll be that girl; It’s something I won’t ignore. I know in my heart, that I’ll get by. I know that my life isn’t built on lies.

I’m always so mixed in my own head, in my own words. Most people don’t know what it is to have these huge ideas, with no means to lift them.

I’ve been complaining I’m sure; it’s all from noticing what’s been happening right in front of me, shit hands have been dealt, and the news I hear is always talking negative to me. My eyes sparkle up when I look back on the heat, and the sprinklers of the summers. The summers that I’ve wasted with a boy I mean nothing or little to.

If you’ve made it this far, and you are not clicking ‘unfollow’ or rather writing me off in this mind you’ve got, maybe you could help me figure out how to un-fuck this whole situation? thoughts, critic, anything?



13 02 2012

I’m sitting here; in class wondering why I cut  my hair short. Which is ridiculous, because I know why, so why am I asking? He fell in love with me this way;

Is it just me, or does anyone else feel the need to change themselves after seeing an ex? Maybe it’s just because on the inside, we figure if we appear the same as when we started dating, we’ll get them back.

I don’t even have any solid thoughts on this; All I have are moving fingers, emotions, and a keyboard.

I’ve spent so much time on you, thinking what you had going was a better shape for the world; I’ve just now realized that you were shading me, you were preventing me from taking what I wanted from all of this. I didn’t wear what I wanted, because you claimed the style, I didn’t listen to what I wanted, because you liked it under wraps, I listened to you, and I put a damper on myself.

I quit my scene. I quit you. I do it so well.

Stay True.

10 02 2012

This drives me up a wall when I read the articles over the HHS bill; especially when they throw in statistics.

Really, 98% of catholic women say they’ve used contraception at one point in their life? Even though it’s clearly written in your rules? NO. Your not a catholic.

I’m not attacking religion, I, Myself, Am a Roman Catholic. And I am against the HHS bill. But reading these arguments, brings so much to my mind and I’ve got to let it out.

The problem is, so many people want to modernize religion, not just Catholicism, but every religion. The youth, politics and every average Joe, wants religion to keep up with it. That’s where they stop understanding what religion is.

Religion doesn’t change with time. As a believer in that faith, you stay true to it. As a roman catholic woman you know what your faith is. God wouldn’t change his rules to adapt to our human behavior or nature; Nor would religion.

Basically, what I want to say is: Don’t front up.

Don’t say your blue, when you’re really red. Don’t call yourself a prolife when your a choice. Don’t say yes but only with exceptions.

Stay true to your faith, your belief and your ways. Why’s that so hard? Is society to much of an influence on you, you can’t handle your own morals or values?

Nah. I have no doubt in my ability, but it’s upsetting watching others that claim to be a part of the Roman Catholic Faith doubt it.

I’m not bashing any religion; I’m bashing people.Image


10 02 2012

I love being in love. It’s like a world full of things that are no longer simple but somehow it’s better then the life you had before; And that feeling, it won’t go.

Truth is, love is an amazing gift; (sounding like a hippy, but bear me) But honestly; It’s a phenomenon that has the world in a craze; What is love? Is it trying to quit smoking for your significant other? Is it driving half way across the country on just a few words? Does it have to do with appearance?

No to the first question; You should never ask your significant other to quit something for you, don’t let them quit for you; They’ve got to quit for themselves. Yes to the second, committing these acts shows that the world around you doesn’t matter, just him/her. And of course, regardless of what anyone says it does have to do with appearance, because intimacy is a big part of it.

Truth is; there are somethings that have to be said, because honestly, I’m hatting this lack of romance in the world. Stop thinking it’s only in movies where the guy runs after you at the airport, or that the girl runs out the building to catch him after she said the wrong thing. Stop thinking it’s only in movies that friends fall in love but can’t tell each other, and he finally tries by writing her a story showing them together on the last page. This world doesn’t exist only on the screen; It’s ours.

Because I swear, if your saying you love someone, you’d do anything to find them. Anything to remind them of who they are. Anything to make them feel loved.

Buy her roses, make him a scrapbook, individually pick petals off her roses and put them in the bath water for her, take him back to the place you first said I love you and slow dance there; write her a song, a poem, a story anything!, Plan a week where you both watch movies that you’ve always wanted to watch, when he cries hold him stronger and never let him go, Listen. And listen carefully…when she’s insecure tell her she’s ridiculous that you can’t compare to her, buy his favorite candy. Make fun of each other in any way possible and then call them cute for the same reason. Yell, and I mean yell back when they’re messing up, but yell softly because they’re hurt too. Stand by him and defend her.

Cuddle, just lay with him..or..Just hold her,..Just lay there, admiring every inch of their soft skin, and trace the outline of his face; his heartbeat syncs with yours and you just lay there, perfect.

Females, honor him, complete him, and trust him; Males, protect her and lay your life down for her;

The truth is, I miss you; where have you gone?..

If it weren’t for the roaches in the wall

9 02 2012

there’d be no one who could stand me.

If you were to fill a burlap sack with the weight of these dys, and the bitter restlessness that fills me to the brim, you’d have a bottomless sack and some broken toes;

I’m learning as I go that the anticipation I feel, when not in motion, turns into those anvils, those rusted anchors I’m now tripping over. I’m eighteen years old, and I live in a place where the people you’ll meet, are out to get you. where these small town values do nothing more than to shut you out. where no one can find how to spit out the words “Please, thank you,” and “i’m sorry” with meaning. I’m sick of being one of the few sacrificing; I wake to sleep, I sleep;

My eyes are shut to avoid all this weight, the chained sinkers that wear on me, the harsh words said, and fucks not given. I need to get out of here; because I will not let myself waste this sand I call youth;

By all of this nonsense, i’m just wanting a break, a release, a catch. I want this soil to show me something that compliments this last light.

Just a short little throw down;

8 02 2012

Guys always pay? Of course, No exception. Whether it’s your first date or your 50th date, he should always pay.

“No, no, no! I want to be able to treat my guy”

You can, see this is the way it is. He pays and takes you out; and as the girl; you do sweet things.

Kiss his hand while driving, massage him, make him cute gifts, buy him clothes, make him lunch or dinner, buy his favorite drink, do the things he wants to do. That’s the equilibrium.

Men lay down their life for you, and females take care of it, and you honor him. Of course if he’s some doucebag from the corner you don’t do anything in return. Same for guys, don’t continue spoiling her if she’s not willing to give back. You’d think this would be a give away, but there’s always that someone who will continue to give, even if they get nothing in return..

I had a dream…

7 02 2012

Not a dream of what’s to come with age, or a dream you wake up to find something missing. Some kind of dream where my life was forgiven, where he wasn’t such a bitter, fucking douchebag;

But I can’t change it, no matter how many thoughts in my head I’ve got telling me to sharpen up.

I had a dream I missed someone, that I don’t even know. and I’ve had dreams of people I’ve lost. i’m not the safehouse you think i am, because i’m emotionally self-destructive. i’m not the two-by’s everyone depends on, i’m fragile, and weak, and a hoax on you all.

I had a dream I was who I wanted to be, had a dream where things didn’t fall apart;

Feels like the stars above me are getting high, feels like there’s less light where I am now, then it’s ever been, and i don’t even want to fight, i’m just tired of getting beat.