You are the balance. You are the fold. You are the sails that bring me home.

HAH! Bet you thought this was about love because of the title huh? Well, it’s kind of related..in the fact that I’ve got some pretty bad news. Kinda.

“Bad news? And love? Classic; Continue”

Well..you see, I don’t own a computer. Our high school gives us a laptop for the school year, to use on homework and we take them home..etc. Well, I turn this puppy in tomorrow.. :/ Which means no more internet..

“..Wha…?”

 
Yeah, I’m actually more pissed off at the fact that I won’t be able to play Diablo 3 or game anymore..Anyways there is some light to be shed! As soon as I graduate (June 3), I’m going to california..and I’ll be able to post from there, (I think) And when I return, I plan on purchasing a laptop asap! So I won’t be gone for ever!

 
“Oh, phew! I thought I was going to disappear!..”

Well anyways..I figured I’d post this, since it’ll be a good three to four weeks before I ever get on again.. So that way, no one thinks I gave in and quit writing, Or maybe people would have thought I fell in love and was to busy to post about it :P
Either way, I’ll be back..so don’t forget me! c:

“lmao, trust me, I won’t.”

It’s almost….here;

4 DAYS LEFT.

Four.

Cuatro.

One, two, three, FOUR.

“Uhm, you’re repeating yourself”

I KNOW. That’s because there’s only 4 DAYS LEFT Of high school and then I’m done! For good. I can’t wait! Oh the excitement! You wouldn’t understand though, you’re just letters.

“Wow, ass”

;)

 

Anyways; The reasons as to why I’m so ecstatic are:

-No more drug addicts! (Which also includes, no more argument about legalizing marijuana, no more terrible smells, no one trying to sell me things, no more sheriffs wandering around, and no more people trying to tell me the world is square, OH! And no more people talking about sex in disgusting manors)

 

-No more DRAMA. (Which includes, no more pregnant teens trying to rally someone up because they talked to their “baby daddy”, no more trashy girls, no more duck faces, no more pointless arguing, not hearing the words, “She ratchet!, Oh hell naw, Uh she gross, BITCH!, etc”, and no more hair pulling.

-No more annoying couples! (Which means, no more minute breakups!, no more obnoxious arguing and having to pick a side, no more “I love you so muchhh!” after three days, no more making out in the hallways, no more “Oh my sweety and I are going to get married (:” Even though you’re cheating on him,)

“DAMN, didn’t you like anything? You rotten kid..”

Of course! I mean..I’ll miss my friends, and my senior class, and my teachers; I’ll miss the lounge, and our pranks and jokes. But I mean seriously, I’m sick of the constant 8 hour school day.

I know I’ll have to deal with some of the things I mentioned in real life, but at least I won’t be locked with them in a building for 8 consecutive hours.   -_-”

 

 

My mouths shooting blanks;

And I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t. I knew you had me, actually No, no I didn’t.  I didn’t know you owned every part of me. I swear I didn’t. You were lovely though; So sweet..so soft, your skin surfaced an envy within me, but it didn’t matter..You were mine. Tracing the outlines of your face, I couldn’t get over the goosebumps; Never perfect with anyone else. It wasn’t even the butterflies or the blushing that made it obvious, it was the way your hands automatically intertwined around my waist and your eyes were constantly locked on mine. Those silent moments when my eyes were loud and your eyes responded calmly.

Monday I drifted away;

I saw you one final time. I couldn’t wake up, but I was up before dawn. It was lovely you know, waking up next to you; but I have a confession. I never really slept. I stayed awake to make sure you were okay. You constantly shake when you sleep, and you turn and sweat as if you’re in a nightmare. I wanted to make sure, you’d find me ready to protect you once you woke up.

Tuesday I woke with the dawn;

I tried finding our old necklace and bracelet out on the road where you threw them; I kept thinking; If I find them it’ll be a sign, and once I tell you, things will change and we’ll be okay. I was astonished the first time you apologized for not wearing the bracelet, because you thought you broke it and you didn’t want me to know. It was sweet.

Wednesday I hung from a tree;

I swear I couldn’t breathe. It was the worst, I still remember. I couldn’t wake up alone, it was to devastating. The sticks and stones didn’t even compare to your words. The vulgarity in your voice. I gave in, and that basement was so cold. You told me you were sweet and you’d defend me, what ever happened? Your eyes were lifeless, and I bled from crying. Yet you kept pushing.

Thursday was harder to take;

The pills started piling on my plate; But don’t worry, it was for my illness. I couldn’t stand you, the jealousy came back. Why couldn’t you change? I should have known. Make me believe in you, I yelled, I swear I did; I needed you. I did, and I couldn’t turn to anyone because you made sure they were gone. I should have known.

Friday, in a cascade of light, I was saved.

God, Please help him, I swear he’s good..I swear he’s a sweetheart,..I swear. God you witnessed these days in replay. I swear I tried, these three years were what I wanted. God I know we messed up, but I can’t help it. You saw us,..it was perfect. God, I can’t handle it..I need..I need you. God, my lord, Please help me.

I’m okay btw; It was just something to write; One of those things. I was just struck by old memories.  

And the fairy tale ended like this;

I closed work last night, and it kind of sucked.

My recent ex’s parents came in, with his sisters to eat; and of course, they played the “I’m going to smile and talk to you, as if nothing happened, because we know our son screwed up” card. I can’t even begin to explain how I felt. Not to mention his mother is the spitting image of him..

I headed back to the kitchen to collect my thoughts, and my manager pulled me aside. He explained how people were giving the new girl a hard time because she was a former employee’s ex girlfriend. I guess word got around that she was terrible in the relationship so people were going to take the guys side and be shitty towards her; He wanted me to set a good vibe and help stop it.

On my way back out to the front of the restaurant.. I couldn’t help but think, ”One sided story”

It always happens, a couple breaks up and they both try and ruin each others image. It’s fucking ridiculous. And it drives me up a wall; anyways..It soon hit me,

“What’s my story?”

I wanted to go up to his parents and ask what he had told them; What my story was from his mouth. Then I started thinking about the story I had said, what story I had told. Maybe I had been wrong all along, maybe they didn’t think their son screwed up, what if they only smiled because they were trying to hide their hate because they think I did something?

I was dying to know if he had bad mouthed me, if he had told a terrible story about me. We all want to know our stories..mostly because we want to be reassured that they love us, and won’t down talk us. Because its terrorizing hearing someone tell you about how your recent lover of 3 years called you a crazy bitch.

I ended up working the rest of the night without a word to his parents. After my shift I sat in my car for a good half hour before I drove off; I kept replaying the words I said in my head to people when we broke up.

“No, he’s not a douchebag, he’s going through a terrible time;”, “No, don’t yell at him”, “He’s a sweetheart, i know it..”

I don’t know why that servers relationship with her ended, but I know they dated for 2 years; Why would you try and make her life hell at work?

I guess it depends heavily on the breakup; If it ended badly i could see the words coming in anger.. but still; It’s astonishing the length some people will go to accomplish things..

“Seriously, you’re too fucking sensitive. Please. GO watch horror movies, and hangout with some douchebags. Then come back and reread this. You’ll hate yourself”

lol; Bro. Log on to Diablo 3; I’ll murder you.

What’s your insight?

You’re a wolf, girl, get out of this town;

Finished my paper! Woo! Three cheers, and shots on me. Finally. I’ll be able to graduate now! Right?

Anyways onto a more interesting topic; Tonight at work, I was running through the restaurant and noticed a couple. They were sitting in a booth, just them and they weren’t talking. The woman seemed impatient and was very well dressed; you could tell she tried to dress younger for her age.  The guy seemed like he had a terrible self esteem, and didn’t look like a confident type.

First thought that raced through my mind? “She’s cheating, wants a divorce, hasn’t told him and he knows but he’s trying to deny it and be a whipped husband to try and keep her”
As terrible as this sounds, I purposely walked up to them to ask them how their meal was going and if everything was running smoothly, and like I imagined, the woman acted like she was younger and was the one who mostly talked. After a while, I turned most of the conversation to the husband. Which drove her mad, because she began tapping her foot and her fingers and looked away multiply times.

I thought I’d make it even better, by making it look like I attracted to the guy. I didn’t really flirt, but I was overly nice. I could tell he was surprised and didn’t know to react. He then asked me to leave, because I was making his wife uncomfortable. I smiled, apologized then left.

It made me kind of happy, knowing that he did that. Instead of rubbing it off in his wife’s face, he kept his place as her husband and didn’t want to make her uncomfortable or jealous. Regardless of how she treated him.

This broken man is in love with her, it makes me wonder how their night ended up going. If my little show made even the slightest difference at all in their relationship..;

I don’t know their true story; but that’s definitely something I’m terrified for in marriage. Not so much the cheating but the sitting and no talking, the forgot about love phase, and the “i’m better then you” attitudes. I know all marriages aren’t like this..

I can’t understand how a loving couple can get to that point..You don’t just stop loving them, or showing it.

“Haha you sound like a little girl with a fairy tale dream”

lol; you sound like a lonely douchebag ;)

“..Alright, you can have your happy ending”

Haha, I will; Because this time we wont’ be lions, we’ll be wolfs; and I definitively won’t  give up.

I tried to do it all for you, it didn’t do anything for me.

Two days! Two days away from this research paper being due. It’s due Friday. 250 points. And what am I doing? Spending my time chatting with friends and sleeping, or eating. I can’t concentrate for the love of God on this paper, and I’ve got two days left.
More like one and a half. I need to finish it to graduate; which is two weeks away.

Not to mention I’m working 11 shifts in a row; I work at a restaurant.  We bought new knives and I’ve already cut myself 3 times, on the same hand! :/

I’m never going to finish this paper, I’ve missed so much school and i’m beyond saving when it comes to procrastination..

I wasn’t always like this though;  I was a top of the class student. A’s and passing classes, getting ahead..Then I got in a relationship. I missed school and didn’t have time for homework, I dedicated it all to him. I know I shouldn’t of, I should have found a balance..But this kid was a wreck. We got in the habit of missing school constantly; it was so easy. Just walk out and drive. Eventually I was at the bottom, retaking classes. Now he’s gone and I’m stuck here; Trying to atone for it all. But I’m still missing school, and slacking. It’s just so easy. Yeah; Call me lazy.

 

Anyways, I’m obviously ready for this to be over; Lets hope I wake up with the ambition to at least open up Microsoft Word!

 

I never wrote a love song to begin with;

We went out walking in the moonlight one late night; out in some park/forest. There were trails leading all over, and right away I knew no one else would have me like you did. Making cheesy jokes, and stepping on each others foot we walked onto the wrong trail, incidentally, and we ended up having to run from a skunk.

You kept freaking out because you thought I was going to pass out from running. lol; When we found our way back to the right path, we were both on edge. You kept saying we should keep exploring so we did, because you didn’t want to sit alone at home..and after climbing for what seemed like hours, we reached the most beautiful place;

We sat there gazing over what seemed like an amazing city, but we both knew it was just some small town with too many lights. But it illuminated the night.

On our way back down, I said I had a rock in my shoe and I stopped to bend down and get it. But, I didn’t have a rock in my shoe, in fact, I was scheming a sneaky plan! I lied so I could pick up a huge rock! Without you knowing of course. We kept on walking and I waited for about 5 minutes until we reached a bunch of small bushes and a few patches of trees; then silently, I threw the rock ahead of us into the bushes.

Then came the, “THUMP” as it rustled in the bushes. And we both stopped. I pretended to be scared, it was pretty sick; You’ve got to admit I’m a real good actor. But I couldn’t help it, as soon as I saw you about to run back up the hill, as if a mob of lions were going to devour us; I couldn’t help but laugh. That was the only time I’ve ever been tricky enough to fool you.

Anyways, we continued back down the trail..Hand in hand; and my feet were cold, but my heart was warm.